i might do one of these for every skins episode until someone shoots me

Oh, God.
5 minutes in and my only notes are ‘WHY IS HE SKAEBOARDING (sic) SO FAST HE COULD HURT HIMSELF’, with the words ‘PISS-POOR DIALOGUE’ written underneath, underlined, circled, with a massive star next to the word ‘piss’.

I wanted to like this, I really did. But apparently a show written for teenagers, by teenagers, comes out looking a bit amateur. Who knew that the art of screenplay couldn’t really be replaced with dialogue that flutters between barely passable sub-sub-sub-Peep Show humour courtesy of ‘the geeky one’, JJ (shit name) and the most cringe-inducing underage double entendres since, well, the last series of Skins.

Basically, the plot this series is that Effy, the beautiful-yet-disturbed-yet-funny-yet-pyromanic lead is enamouring enough to attract the attention of every idiot ‘lad’ this side of Bristol. This manipulative heroine depends on her ability to control these smitten idiots into breaking the school rules in return for sexual favour. The ‘list of rules’ Effy wants Freddie to break are unintentionally hilarious, ‘Teacher Abuse’ ‘Arson’ and simply ‘glue’ being amongst the most radical. Anarchy, Skins says, is smoking a joint at college. What would Erase Errata say etc etc

I guess the real problem is that Effy isn’t really likeable enough to elicit all this lust she commands. Nicholas Hoult’s enigmatic cockiness hasn’t really imparted itself into her tiny frame and she just struts around looking a bit Heroin Chic all the time. It’s okay for about 10 minutes and then you’re a bit like ‘can Charlie Brooker or someone get here and save this wreck, please, I need to watch Lost.’

But hey, on a purely aesthetic level this thing isn’t too bad, they’re all quite pretty and the good ones dress like they’re in twee indie pop bands and the bad ones dress like they moonlight as lapdancers. The music’s alright. A bit, sort of, ‘Skins’ but that’s expected. The camera work is passable and seeing as the least promising actor in the last series (Dev Patel) is now the most promising actor in the universe, there’s hope for some of these kids.

Basically, it’s not particularly good but no-one’s expecting it to be 10/10, are they? 16-years-olds are renowned for being idiotic dicks, especially the clever, deep ‘n’ meaningful ones that think it’s well cool to swear and ‘smoke spliff’. It’s a testament to teenagers, if nothing else. We’re not actually that brilliant, and until we can learn to be proper citizens we have to watch Skins and nothing else. Boohoo.

click this for the best song ever

click this for a really brilliant clip from Y Tu Mama Tambien