You can disagree, but you would be wrong. Unless you said 'Diplo', in which case, 'okay, yeah, maybe, I guess'.
Monday
I’m always telling whoever will listen that for all its ‘Karley Sciortinos’ and ‘funny pictures’, Platform is essentially the death of ‘youth culture’, staged over ‘the internet’. What a vast and embarrassing backdrop that is, and how blindly Platform follows in the footsteps of V*CE. Don’t worry if you’re beginning to think that I might be making a point, this post says something odd about being allergic to semen at the end. And there are pictures, and a video. And some fashion stuff that we think is pretty cool, which we are going to point out online and then, like, yeah, whatever, wear it to a party.
Platform recently posted an article, as it is nearly the end of 2009 and the beginning of 2010, to point out, in true V*CE imitation fashion, the ’10 worst things about the noughties’. Whoever wrote it at times actually attempts to ‘make a point’ in his one or more of his rants that ‘isn’t totally ironic’. Like, irony is rubbish, and overused. Really? And apparently, also, blogs are bad, because they are saying nothing ‘new’ most of the time, or something. Thanks to the third person in the comments section for pointing out ‘hypocrisy’ in this idle and totally worthless criticism. Other things that apparently suck particularly badly include, um, Doctor Who, Piers Morgan, and (the bastardisation of) ‘indie’.
Do you know one rubbish thing from ‘the noughties’ that springs to mind reading that post?
OVER-INFORMED AND LAZY ‘CRITICS’
I think somewhere in the ‘blogosphere’ that is so maligned on Platform they are likened to the undead and called something like
ZOMBIES
but I might be missing the point.
One of the things that particularly sucks about the internet’s growth and the cult of the internet amongst young people, in particular, is exemplified pretty much anywhere you will find a comment box.
Wherever someone is given a chance to be a ‘critic’ about something, regarding which, because there is usually no qualification or validation pre-requisite to making a response on the BBC’s website, on YouTube, or on a blogpost, they will normally have no real or relevant awareness, you will get dumb responses.
So in the ‘blogosphere’ and, particularly, on websites like the BBC’s Have Your Say and YouTube, you will get an awful lot of comments that rage from simple flaming to total idiocy, via a lot of ill-advised attempts at irony. There are websites, like ‘speak you’re branes’, which thrive off this.
When the notion of unnecessary, brainless feedback becomes so overridingly popular – as in, when most of the nation is approaching ‘web-consciousness’ – people, i.e. the guys who took V*CE online, and the founders of similar websites elsewhere, including the British copycat Platform, will exploit this, to create a website based on ironic half-assed humourous observational criticism, e.g. ‘Well, that’s shit’.
Platform is an example of a website whose readers and journalists have been convinced that it needs to exist. Platform doesn’t need to exist. If it didn’t, its writers would go elsewhere, perhaps, or simply spend less time trying to be funny and trawling the internet for wacky things to write about. Its readers would spend more time on V*CE, or on their own blogs / flickrs / youtube accounts / whatever. It is an example of a website whereby the writers – as ever in hipster culture, the writers are merely the representatives of the ‘bloggers’ that they criticise – have a post writing for some ‘youth culture’ website, which they think means they are ‘informed’ and that their opinions are ‘relevant’, when, actually, neither of those things are true.
Platform’s writers, however funny the pictures might be, are zombies, and this article basically proves its own point, without being aware of doing so.
If you are going to be ironically self-deprecating, whilst attempting to actually criticise bloggers who have nothing to say, and to point out the flaw in the irony of the ‘noughties’ – in that it is a generation with ‘no punchline’ to its endless irony – then you are probably failing, if you don’t recognise that your own website is the exact epitomy of a void in youth culture, and of pointless regurgitation of uninformation.
Thanks for a rubbish article.
Thursday
hurts & ailments
There's a reason why you should watch the video for Hurts' debut single 'Wonderful Life' before listening to the song sans visual aids - that's the proverbial hypodermic needle containing the Image they want you to imbibe. The Guardian vaguely fell for it, apparently this is the return of 'clever lad pop' or something, except, hey, it sounds exactly like all the other pop around at the moment, the synthy bassy stuff, the heavy 80s drums, electro, distortion, seven kinds of Korg.
It's maybe a slightly worse Leona Lewis song at best, but it's Hedi Slimane-approved, skinny indie-worthy, harks back to (what the fuck, Paul Lester), "a period when it was OK to namedrop obscure literary texts in interviews and resemble gaunt, starving artistes masquerading as stylish Italian models or actors in pseudo-y French existentialist movies from the 60s".
Except, hey, haven't we moved on from that period and now embraced a slightly less shitty version of existence which is more about making vaguely alright music and not selling some romanticised, black and white, gloomy 80s ideal?
This is hype-mongering beyond, like, anything, ever - the website's painfully minimalist, there is Emphasis on Creating a Brand, but not in the normal shitty corporate way - this is actually self-conscious pretention. This is literally the worst thing ever not because it sucks massively, but because it's smug, swaggering, and has no value that could merit this. Lady Gaga can be arrogant because she did this. Hurts cannot.
Friday
Not getting bored of seeing the Wave Pictures and writing 'reviews' of them
The Wave Pictures - Relentless Garage, London, 30/10/09
The Wave Pictures are the backing band for the 'sweet tones' of Freschard (she said she was German but my friends were all sure she was French). Maybe the bar at the Relentless isn't the best place to judge her from. Maybe Stanley Brinks, who used to call himself 'André Herman Düne' but does so no longer, is not the perfect saxophonist to accompany her, either. But Maybe it's just the sound, or the relatively small size of the crowd thus far, or something. She could be really, really good.
The way Stanley Brinks commences is solo set gives you this, 'It's going to be really, really good' feel. He asks, "Do you watch television?", to no response. He tells us all, some of us a little bemused, that he does, sometimes, because he likes it. Then he plays his songs. My friends laugh. His songs are simple, and you might call them songs or ditties; he plays sans sax, and adopts a cigarette along with his guitar for a song which sees The Wave Pictures completing his little group, until it gets bigger, as Security are making a Big Deal out of his indoor cigarette-smoking. He finishes the song, gets told-off onstage by some woman and some Security man, declares that they've talked to him in the wrong way, says "Fuck you" to a sizable cheer and puts the cigarette out through the method of throwing it to the ground and stomping on it. His set ends with a sing-along to 'Things Ain't What They Used To Be', replete with the new refrain of "That's not how you talk to / Stanley Brinks / not how you talk to / Stanley Brinks". The band ends up with no Security man or woman (she walked off looking Angry), although Freschard is more than welcome in joining them.
Then, The Wave Pictures, finishing up some pan-European tour or other, headlining. Clearly having fun. Subdued behind Freschard, they start with 'Now you are Pregnant', sung by David Tattersall, singer and guitarist. And improvisational lyricist. The Wave Pictures tend to have this trick where Jonny 'Huddersfield' Helm sings this song, but he does not this time. Because sometimes indie rock bands will kind of have to say a gentle 'Fuck you' to the way they normally do things. The Wave Pictures have released a second album on Moshi Moshi and are doing singles from it and are about to tour with Daniel Johnston, and though a lot of the set tonight comprises of material from 'Instant Coffee Baby' (because you can shout along, and people do, to 'Strange Fruit for David''s "A sculpture is a sculpture, marmalade is marmalade - and a sculpture of marmalade is a sculpture, but it isn't marmalade", because this, and these songs, are brilliant), there's no 'Long Island' or anything.
There's 'Tiny Craters in the Sand', upon request. Perhaps telling of people's appreciation of 'the new stuff'? "I hope you like new songs", David does warn us. Or offer us. Or prime us. Or all of these. Jonny Helm, drummer, percussionist, etc., sings instead a song from David Tattersall's new solo record, although maybe it would've been better if David had sung his own song. Although maybe it wouldn't have.
New single 'Strawberry Cables' has been around for a while. A couple of years or so ago I first heard David Tattersall pine for "This is mine, it isn't anybody else's". But now the Wave Pictures are 'big' enough to go to see with friends, jazz friends, photography friends, whoever, and can be relied upon, and 'rock', and substitute into the song 'Kiss Me', in place of "John Lennon" in the line "I read your letter; it said 'I love John Lennon forever'", the phrase "Michael Jackson's 'Thriller'", and they get laughs for it, and they are consistent, later on changing "...how much you love 'Sgt. Pepper'" for "how much you love (contemplative pause)... 'Thriller'!", and they make jokes work, have a 'presence', are cohesive, and are pretty much perfect tonight.
The Wave Pictures are the backing band for the 'sweet tones' of Freschard (she said she was German but my friends were all sure she was French). Maybe the bar at the Relentless isn't the best place to judge her from. Maybe Stanley Brinks, who used to call himself 'André Herman Düne' but does so no longer, is not the perfect saxophonist to accompany her, either. But Maybe it's just the sound, or the relatively small size of the crowd thus far, or something. She could be really, really good.
The way Stanley Brinks commences is solo set gives you this, 'It's going to be really, really good' feel. He asks, "Do you watch television?", to no response. He tells us all, some of us a little bemused, that he does, sometimes, because he likes it. Then he plays his songs. My friends laugh. His songs are simple, and you might call them songs or ditties; he plays sans sax, and adopts a cigarette along with his guitar for a song which sees The Wave Pictures completing his little group, until it gets bigger, as Security are making a Big Deal out of his indoor cigarette-smoking. He finishes the song, gets told-off onstage by some woman and some Security man, declares that they've talked to him in the wrong way, says "Fuck you" to a sizable cheer and puts the cigarette out through the method of throwing it to the ground and stomping on it. His set ends with a sing-along to 'Things Ain't What They Used To Be', replete with the new refrain of "That's not how you talk to / Stanley Brinks / not how you talk to / Stanley Brinks". The band ends up with no Security man or woman (she walked off looking Angry), although Freschard is more than welcome in joining them.
Then, The Wave Pictures, finishing up some pan-European tour or other, headlining. Clearly having fun. Subdued behind Freschard, they start with 'Now you are Pregnant', sung by David Tattersall, singer and guitarist. And improvisational lyricist. The Wave Pictures tend to have this trick where Jonny 'Huddersfield' Helm sings this song, but he does not this time. Because sometimes indie rock bands will kind of have to say a gentle 'Fuck you' to the way they normally do things. The Wave Pictures have released a second album on Moshi Moshi and are doing singles from it and are about to tour with Daniel Johnston, and though a lot of the set tonight comprises of material from 'Instant Coffee Baby' (because you can shout along, and people do, to 'Strange Fruit for David''s "A sculpture is a sculpture, marmalade is marmalade - and a sculpture of marmalade is a sculpture, but it isn't marmalade", because this, and these songs, are brilliant), there's no 'Long Island' or anything.
There's 'Tiny Craters in the Sand', upon request. Perhaps telling of people's appreciation of 'the new stuff'? "I hope you like new songs", David does warn us. Or offer us. Or prime us. Or all of these. Jonny Helm, drummer, percussionist, etc., sings instead a song from David Tattersall's new solo record, although maybe it would've been better if David had sung his own song. Although maybe it wouldn't have.
New single 'Strawberry Cables' has been around for a while. A couple of years or so ago I first heard David Tattersall pine for "This is mine, it isn't anybody else's". But now the Wave Pictures are 'big' enough to go to see with friends, jazz friends, photography friends, whoever, and can be relied upon, and 'rock', and substitute into the song 'Kiss Me', in place of "John Lennon" in the line "I read your letter; it said 'I love John Lennon forever'", the phrase "Michael Jackson's 'Thriller'", and they get laughs for it, and they are consistent, later on changing "...how much you love 'Sgt. Pepper'" for "how much you love (contemplative pause)... 'Thriller'!", and they make jokes work, have a 'presence', are cohesive, and are pretty much perfect tonight.
Tuesday
Saturday
Choclit Raisin fund
I will sell you everything in my room except for my bed and door and windows and curtains for $_____
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
an impotent glowstick and other drawer-dwellers;
goalkeeping gloves from the jam cup
never conceded
lately succeeded.
other apparatus: shoelaces times two;
one silver, good for football,
one black, good for charity.
more
things -
I think this is a dress.
you'd better be deserving of
a coat that used to belong to my uncle alun,
and i've found that japanese electro album
to file next to the one by boredoms,
to sell, all for the sound
of a princely sum in sterling.
princes can pull off pinstripes
and attach them to jumping
trousers, made out of foxes,
which cost me £2
from a surplus store in worthing.
other combat trousers;
30/31,
jeans stretching through sizes
'skinny' to 'slimfit, 32'.
i'm not being extravagant,
i think.
i do not have a 'kitchen sink'
but i would sell that too,
swapping them all for
flowers from a prince,
aesthetic yearning,
or nearest offer.
Place yr bid.$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
an impotent glowstick and other drawer-dwellers;
goalkeeping gloves from the jam cup
never conceded
lately succeeded.
other apparatus: shoelaces times two;
one silver, good for football,
one black, good for charity.
more
things -
I think this is a dress.
you'd better be deserving of
a coat that used to belong to my uncle alun,
and i've found that japanese electro album
to file next to the one by boredoms,
to sell, all for the sound
of a princely sum in sterling.
princes can pull off pinstripes
and attach them to jumping
trousers, made out of foxes,
which cost me £2
from a surplus store in worthing.
other combat trousers;
30/31,
jeans stretching through sizes
'skinny' to 'slimfit, 32'.
i'm not being extravagant,
i think.
i do not have a 'kitchen sink'
but i would sell that too,
swapping them all for
flowers from a prince,
aesthetic yearning,
or nearest offer.
Place yr bid.$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Thursday
Unloading stock in Sainsburys in AdjposjpsbnI just opened my window in what must be the first time in two weeks in celebration of two interviews, only one of which I lied to get. I'm arguably more stoked to have a chance to talk to UCL about the personal statement I ripped from their 'recommended reading list' (I have 3 weeks to read and understand an epic poem by 'John Gay' which I thought was 'alternative' to Chaucer, as well as 'Jude the Obscure' by Thomas Hardy which so far is lame and half of 'Crime and Punishment' which I am dragging out because it is ace and 'The Death of Ivan Ilyich' which should be pretty easy and also a book by someone who loves Hackney called Iain Sinclair) than I am to have an interview with Sainsburys. I need to call them by 7 tonight, which means I need to form a diary so I can work out when I can go and tell Sainsburys why they should let me get up at 5am on Saturday to get a bus to Adjsjsjton and assist people who have issues with broccoli. Or whatever 'Customer Service Assistants' do. Regardless, this is going on my CV.
Having a job would probably be cool, although I think I'm managing to survive being 17 pretty fine without a source of income. My parents have lame jobs like 'full time church elder' and 'getting made redundant' and I couldn't get my act together to lie my way into some EMA money, so whenever I get invited to go to actual-London I constantly have to bum a £2 child travelcard, which normally means I have to shave my face.
I meant to shave my face so that I can go and see the Wave Pictures tomorrow night and so I don't have to get up before 5pm tomorrow, but for some reason I got held up because I was looking for microporous tape to mend the foot that somehow has become one massive blister since an unexpected and sweaty late-night game of uni-hoc yesterday. Less stoked about medical procedures.
Having to get a job at 17 is lame. I don't even especially need one right now. I have a friend who managed to lose my ipod and my huge, fun, super-big headphones and he still reckons he owes me about £60, which I'm not going to argue about, because that's £30 trips to London catered for, and maybe some tickets to 'Socialism 2009' or something.
Trying to prepare for an interview with UCL
- Read personal statement and list all the books you mention
- Realise you do not have copies of those texts in yr house. Panic. Google 'john gay trivia poem' and feel momentarily relieved; realise the poem is 500 lines long; panic again
- Make coffee
- Panic because yr family has decided it can do without the 'luxury good' of 'plasters'
- Begin to read the David Foster Wallace essay you mentioned in yr personal statement. Give up two pages in after googling 'intentional fallacy' and 'affective fallacy'. It was better last time, and reading Dostoevsky is turning out to more fun than reading about him
- Allocate remaining time before interview to remaining tasks, e.g. '3 weeks - read all remaining books'
- Shave
- Make coffee first
- Hear post arrive whilst in kitchen
- Check post, selfishly rooting for letters that look like they might be from a university
- Get disappointed to find only birthday cards for sister; get disappointed that it is sister's birthday tomorrow (mainly due to lack of present)
- Arrange with ipod-owing friend a 'shopping trip' for 'this evening' during which he will buy present (he will) for sister
- Drink coffee
- Decide to put 'calling Sainsburys' back as far as possible until '7pm tonight' deadline
Wednesday
Sunday
a poet's work is never done
This is my very favourite poem by him, called 'Laura Brown'. Skip to like, halfway in. It's just 'banter' until then, and poets suck at banter. Also univocalisms exist, which are poems when you can only use words with one type of vowel, and in this case, it is 'e'. And it rules. Aisle16 did a WHOLE SHOW of just univocalisms, and this is Ross Sutherland doing a univocalism at HOMEWORK which is an ace poetry night in Bethnal Green.
'It was like listening to a piece of vocal percussion or an inverted tone poem.' 'The letter 'o' continually propagates itself...as such I found the symbol of the O appearing almost subliminally inside my poem.' Oh, poets.
Friday
20Q.net vs The Pope
Q29. I am guessing that it is Pope Benedict XVI?
Right, Wrong, Close
| 28. | Were you born between 1900-1950? Yes. | |
| 27. | I guessed that it was the Dalai Lama? Close. | |
| 26. | Are you found in history books? Yes. | |
| 25. | Are you part of a team? No. | |
| 24. | Are you a scientist? No. | |
| 23. | Do you have gray hair? No. | |
| 22. | Are you under 40 years old? No. | |
| 21. | Were you popular in the '70s? No. | |
| 20. | I guessed that it was Kenneth Branagh? Wrong. | |
| 19. | I guessed that it was Mika Häkkinen? Wrong. | |
| 18. | Are you a sex symbol? No. | |
| 17. | Are you often criticized? Yes. | |
| 16. | Are you skinny? No. | |
| 15. | Are you still alive? Yes. | |
| 14. | Are you bossy? No. | |
| 13. | Are you still on the air? No. | |
| 12. | Are you American? No. | |
| 11. | Do you have dark hair? No. | |
| 10. | Do you play an indoor sport? No. | |
| 9. | Have you ever won the World Series? No. | |
| 8. | Are you funny? No. | |
| 7. | Do you wear makeup? No. | |
| 6. | Are you Austrian? No. | |
| 5. | Were you popular in the '90s? Yes. | |
| 4. | Are you a lead singer? No. | |
| 3. | Have you performed live since 2000? Yes. | |
| 2. | Do you have long hair? No. | |
| 1. | Do you have children? No. |
delegate immediate manual...
define immaterial materials
delete idiot marks
deranged irate magazine
dimpled irish midgets
deadly intense mothering
djs in mud
Daphne and Celeste in Mali!
did I mean...?
damn internet moguls
dayummm indian mama
definitely indie (maybe)
deconstitutionalise immediately! mmkay
doya? isit? meh.
desolate iranian map
ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THE ZINE
define immaterial materials
delete idiot marks
deranged irate magazine
dimpled irish midgets
deadly intense mothering
djs in mud
Daphne and Celeste in Mali!
did I mean...?
damn internet moguls
dayummm indian mama
definitely indie (maybe)
deconstitutionalise immediately! mmkay
doya? isit? meh.
desolate iranian map
ALTERNATE TITLES FOR THE ZINE
Thursday
Wednesday
Speech Debelle won the mercury award!
I think I'm meant to be in a history lesson, but every time it is Tuesday morning I am completely shattered by having listened to Mary Anne Hobbs on Radio One. She has the best voice ever, it is totally better than your girlfriend's voice on the phone. I am listening to the show again now, and it's all fantastic so far, forget skweee or whatever, I just remembered Hudson Mohawke are really good. I wrote a scathing review of a Will Self book on a small bit of paper that I can't find, and I need a job in a bakery or something. Trying to read this, Nihil Unbound it is called.
It opens with some Thomas Ligotti:
There is nothing to do and there is nowhere to go
There is nothing to be and there is noone to be
I've spent all my money on toffee cake for friends and at the chicken shop so I think I need some new 'assignments'.
It opens with some Thomas Ligotti:
There is nothing to do and there is nowhere to go
There is nothing to be and there is noone to be
I've spent all my money on toffee cake for friends and at the chicken shop so I think I need some new 'assignments'.
Thursday
Okay, here's the deal - lad rock is terrible, NME is poisonous, 'modern pop' is disappointing, music fans and musos alike are repulsive and 'Reading Festival 09' was, on the whole, A Nail in a proverbial Coffin which contains the Soul Of Music (Radiohead were stunning, though). Also, I might do a whole post on how bad the Black Lips are BUT WAIT COME BACK there is Hope ;
Like, if you haven't heard of the xx then maybe you've 'been on holiday' or something but seriously, listen to their debut album which was the best thing of August. 'Crystallised' is unequivocally their best song, all Joy Division ominous opening notes and breathy vocals. They bang on about being 'r 'n' b' a lot but seriously the girl sounds like Mirah and the dude sounds like a sedated Patrick Wolf so this is basically a Quirky Facade. Also 'live' they are completely motionless and awkward. Brilliant.
Like, if you haven't heard of the xx then maybe you've 'been on holiday' or something but seriously, listen to their debut album which was the best thing of August. 'Crystallised' is unequivocally their best song, all Joy Division ominous opening notes and breathy vocals. They bang on about being 'r 'n' b' a lot but seriously the girl sounds like Mirah and the dude sounds like a sedated Patrick Wolf so this is basically a Quirky Facade. Also 'live' they are completely motionless and awkward. Brilliant.
Okay also there is this amazing band called Everything Everything who are vaguely 'Math Rock' but really they are crazy good at writing hilariously complex, harmonic pop songs about hilariously complex 'Situations' like 'MY KZ, UR BF' which is about a confession of adultery during an air-raid. "I wanna know what happened to your boyfriend, 'cause he was looking at me like 'woah', right before the kitchen was a dustbowl." Um. Or 'Suffragette Suffragette' which is a wailing elegy for a 'lost love' or something. Seriously, they are incredible. Just look.
'Amazing.' New LOVVERS album out, like, 'before'. Also new HEALTH album soon. Also new Vivian Girls album sooner. Also Robbie Williams is BACK (!!!). Also DIM Zine out soonest. So, Hope.
Monday
in reference to an earlier post about The Big Pink
"Members
Robertson "Robbie" Furze – vocals, guitar, programming
Milo Cordell – keyboards, synthesizer, programming
Joined live by:
Jo Apps (sister of Patrick Wolf) – backing vocals
Valentine Fillol-Cordier – backing vocals
Akiko Matsuura (of PRE, Comenechi) – drums
Daniel O'Sullivan (of Guapo, Sunn O))), et al.) – bass
Leopold Ross – bass "The whole thing reeks of V*CE overrated cool. Can this please be the last post on the internet about The Big Pink?
Friday
Last.fm is So Cool
'Cool new feature' over at Last.fm - well, it could've been there for ages - you can see *exactly* when you listened to a particular song. I decided to test this out by checking when I'd listened to Elliott Smith's '2:45 am'.
| Track | Duration | Date | |||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 2:45 A.M. | 3:18 | 18 Jul 2009, 23:56 | |||||
| 2:45 A.M. | 3:18 | 25 Jun 2009, 18:39 | |||||
| 2:45 A.M. | 3:18 | 18 Jun 2009, 23:17 | |||||
| 2:45 A.M. | 3:18 | 30 May 2009, 00:50 | |||||
| 2:45 A.M. | 3:18 | 22 May 2009, 00:05 | |||||
| 2:45 A.M. | 3:18 | 12 Feb 2009, 23:58 | |||||
| 2:45 A.M. | 3:18 | 31 Jan 2009, 20:18 | |||||
| 2:45 A.M. | 3:18 | 28 Jan 2009, 03:04 | |||||
| 2:45 A.M. | 3:18 | 26 Jan 2009, 00:01 | |||||
| 2:45 A.M. | 3:18 | 24 Jan 2009, 03:18 | |||||
| 2:45 A.M. | 3:18 | 22 Jan 2009, 02:11 | |||||
| 2:45 A.M. | 3:18 | 22 Jan 2009, 01:03 |
Also the zine is out really soon.
Thursday
fame litmus test #1 : Frankmusik
"Unless 20Q.net knows you, nobody knows you!"
30. I am guessing that it is Pete Doherty? Right, Wrong, Close
29. I guessed that it was James Blunt? Wrong
28. Are you European? Yes
27. I guessed that it was Jack Johnson (musician)? Wrong
26. Were you famous before you were 20? No
Do you wear makeup? Unknown.
25. Do you play an instrument? Yes.
24. Have you ever been in trouble with the law? No.
23. Were you on a TV talent show? Unknown.
22. Do you perform Rap music? No.
21. Are you a singer? Yes.
20. I guessed that it was Enrique Iglesias? Wrong.
19. Were you married to someone famous? No.
18. Are you a young girl? No.
17. Are you strange? Yes.
16. Are you a relatively young actor? No.
15. Do you perform Rock music? No.
14. Do you criticize others? No.
13. Were you born before 1975? No.
12. Do you live in modern times? Yes.
11. Do you have a beard? No.
10. Are you an American icon? No.
9. Are you a president? No.
8. Are you part of a team? No.
7. Did you ever compete in the Olympics? No.
6. Are you a One-Hit Wonder? No.
5. Are you funny? No.
4. Were you in a romantic comedy? No.
3. Do you have brown hair? Yes.
2. Were you popular in the '80s? No.
1. Do you have long hair? No.
Dude needs some more 'quirky' Spotify ad time or a few more twitter accounts if he wants to break the internet. Maybe it would help if he 'had some trouble with the law' or something. Sorry James Blunt. I mean, 'Frankmusik'.
Monday
rules
These were the recently-deceased literary critic (RIP) John Updike's 'rules' for literary criticism, better than Orwell's rules for writing, at least. Vaguely sucking the frivolous joy out of reviewing, but it's totally anti-cynical-indie-journalism, which is good. Objective and transferable ftz, basically. 'Food for thought'. ;
1. Try to understand what the author wished to do, and do not blame him for not achieving what he did not attempt.
2. Give enough direct quotation—at least one extended passage—of the book's prose so the review's reader can form his own impression, can get his own taste.
3. Confirm your description of the book with quotation from the book, if only phrase-long, rather than proceeding by fuzzy précis.
4. Go easy on plot summary, and do not give away the ending.…
5. If the book is judged deficient, cite a successful example along the same lines, from the author's oeuvre or elsewhere. Try to understand the failure. Sure it's his and not yours?To these concrete five might be added a vaguer sixth, having to do with maintaining a chemical purity in the reaction between product and appraiser. Do not accept for review a book you are predisposed to dislike, or committed by friendship to like. Do not imagine yourself a caretaker of any tradition, an enforcer of any party standards, a warrior in any ideological battle, a corrections officer of any kind. Never, never...try to put the author "in his place," making of him a pawn in a contest with other reviewers. Review the book, not the reputation. Submit to whatever spell, weak or strong, is being cast. Better to praise and share than blame and ban. The communion between reviewer and his public is based upon the presumption of certain possible joys of reading, and all our discriminations should curve toward that end.
(literally taken directly from wikipedia, soz)
Thursday
Competitive reading
Okay look this is what I have read so far this 'summer'.
Luckily this summer so far has been a little bit full-on boring, etc., so in between doing things like 'not having a job' and 'going to the Tate' and 'whatever' and 'cycling' and 'parties' here are some things that I have read.
Albert Camus - Exile and the Kingdom (Stories)
Boring. Ha.
Richard Brautigan - In Watermelon Sugar
It gets better after a spell when you think 'this is weird'. Although Brautigan's character is a total circle jerk.
Graham Swift - Waterland
Riveting.
David Foster Wallace - Consider the Lobster and Other Essays
Sterling.
Ali Smith - The Accidental
I just about finished this. It's quite good. The 'Alhambra' chapters (the last one in each section) are a bit hard work, wait, maybe meaningless, possibly. Probably not though. Michael is a bit of a twat, although you are probably meant to think that. Eve isn't that great either. I'm not sure it actually ends.
Ted Hughes - Birthday Letters
There is a really good poem called 'Fate Playing' in it. One time I was on the fast train, but only by accident, and I tried to copy it out onto paper to give to someone, but I didn't finish it, so I still have half of it in my notepad.
Okay, I think that constitutes 'a canon'. I think I got sunburnt. I nearly hit a van.
Saturday
Tuesday
Popjustice $36.27 music prize
(there is no pound sign on Canadian keyboards)
Once again, the PJ music prize is vaguely more appealing than the Mercury Music Prize.
Definitive reviews (with all-important videos attached) ;
'Beat Again' by JLS - I genuinely don't see 'the draw'. BUT video, ace.
'Better Off As Two' by Frankmusik - 6/20
'I'm Not Alone' by Calvin Harris - 12/15. Brill video.
'In For The Kill' by La Roux - Really very very good song, but, um, Quicksand is best.
'Love Etc' by Pet Shop Boys - Obviously very good. Also, video. Also, rules.
'Method Of Modern Love' by Saint Etienne - See above. Minus video.
'New In Town' by Little Boots - Shit. WHAT HAPPENED.
'Take Me Back' by Tinchy Stryder - 89/100, this rules. This is so old, though.
'The Promise' by Girls Aloud - 'Um'. Sorry, rubbish.
'Up' by The Saturdays - 'See above'
'The Boy Does Nothing' by Alesha Dixon - Bloody catchy, also good for mums.
'The Fear' by Lily Allen - 'This one's for the indie vote'. Sigh, 7/10.
Once again, the PJ music prize is vaguely more appealing than the Mercury Music Prize.
Definitive reviews (with all-important videos attached) ;
'Beat Again' by JLS - I genuinely don't see 'the draw'. BUT video, ace.
'Better Off As Two' by Frankmusik - 6/20
'I'm Not Alone' by Calvin Harris - 12/15. Brill video.
'In For The Kill' by La Roux - Really very very good song, but, um, Quicksand is best.
'Love Etc' by Pet Shop Boys - Obviously very good. Also, video. Also, rules.
'Method Of Modern Love' by Saint Etienne - See above. Minus video.
'New In Town' by Little Boots - Shit. WHAT HAPPENED.
'Take Me Back' by Tinchy Stryder - 89/100, this rules. This is so old, though.
'The Promise' by Girls Aloud - 'Um'. Sorry, rubbish.
'Up' by The Saturdays - 'See above'
'The Boy Does Nothing' by Alesha Dixon - Bloody catchy, also good for mums.
'The Fear' by Lily Allen - 'This one's for the indie vote'. Sigh, 7/10.
On the tentatively indie music prize front Bat For Lashes and The Invisible and Speech Debelle are the only ones who 'deserve' it. If Kasabian wins, well, then, Kasabian will win. But as long as Micachu still exists it's basically ALL GOOD.
Friday
'Chat to Strangers'
I know 'everyone has done this already'. But I had to try Omegle.
Here is my transcript:
Connecting to server...
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
A word of advice: "asl" is boring. Please find something more interesting to talk about!
You: hi
Stranger: hi
You: oh wow, this is my first time pretending to be a teenage girl
Stranger: m-f
You: um... f
You: do you like cherries?
Stranger: i gotta jimmy
Stranger: i like melons
You: what's a jimmy?
You: is it hard?
Stranger: a boner
Stranger: and yes
You: why
You: is it something i said?
Stranger: sure
You: awesome
You: so what is the last thing you ate?
Stranger: a watermelon
You: did you take the skin of the watermelon off?
Stranger: yeah
Stranger: my jimm y just got bigger
You: why did you choose 'jimmy'?
Stranger: idk
You: i think 'austin' is more of a sexy name
You: personally
Stranger: ok
Stranger: austin
You: i just put some yoghurt in my mouth
You: i like yoghurt
Stranger: heheheh
Stranger: harder and harder it gets
You: like a watermelon with the skin still on, eh?
Stranger: yeah
You: good
You: i'm glad
You: are the curtains pulled?
Stranger: ioh ya
You: good
You: this keeps getting better
You: now
You: talk to me about indie rock
Stranger: wats that
You: um
You: music
You: i like guys to tell me what kind of music they are into
You: it helps set the mood
Stranger: i like dragonforce and eminem
Stranger: also soad
You: they're pretty fun
Stranger: yea
You: what about bjork?
You: i love bjork
Stranger: cool
You: i fantasise madly about iceland
You: rushing geysers and livid, angry volcanoes
Stranger: sweet
You: pouring lava flows as red as ice floes aren't red, or blue
You: i also like poetry
Stranger: yea
Stranger: cool
You: hey, having breasts is pretty fun too right
Stranger: i wouldnt no
You: well, i'm telling you
Stranger: cool
You: yep
You: so
You: what're you doing later?
Stranger: nm
You: well i hope you enjoy it
Stranger: i will
You: good
You: so, anything else you want to talk about or have you finished jerking off yet whilst i try to imagine just how large and hairy austin is right now? i imagine he's huge
Stranger: he is
You: brilliant
You: okay hurry up my dad wants a turn
Stranger: ok
You: i like strangers
Stranger: same
You: they are fun
Stranger: yea
Stranger: especially
Stranger: u
You: aw, thank you
You: okay, well, sorry to spoil the pants party but
You: i really must dash, it's been great though
Stranger: yea
You: give my love to austin, et al
Stranger: k
You: take care
Stranger: bye
You: xxxxxxx
Stranger: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
You: aw i don't really want to leave...
Stranger: me niether
You: ...just joking
You have disconnected.
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